Cheap Shots
Cheap Shots: Impact Quickie #1
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Due to the comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of this article is an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
“Mad Man” staying grounded this weekend. Trying something different. The planes are in the hanger. A few days ago, a friend won a 4-pack of tickets to an indie movie theatre. The tickets listed an animated feature with several voice-overs I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. The production company was listed as Anthem out of Dallas. Given the fact tickets were free, why not bring my talking ring post and corner turnbuckles to laugh at everything for two hours?
Good thing I came for the previews. I saw promos for a live action documentary involving two performers I’ve been wanting to see work together for a long time. More on that next week. On to the feature presentation. PC Little Dragon; (ring post), recognizes our narrators immediately. “Oh goody, it’s the best subcontinental performer in the art form, and the dude who was a heel long enough to lose a majority of a peanut-sized audience!”
Throughout the initial scene they attempted to project the action as current, but the digital copy kept freezing and jumping. I could almost swear the data was weeks old and had been seriously altered. AI Hercules, (corner turnbuckles) chimes in: “A political everyman who used to impersonate a dinosaur and A Southern Belle’s kayfabe Nephew…Doesn’t he work for a bigger circus now?” The T-Rex with common sense used to be the nephew’s protection. At the time of production, it was made clear that Tyrus came back to focus on personal success. As a result, he could be a big man, and get the win.
PC Little Dragon notices The Gold, The Son of The Ghost is wearing: “Did the guy take his car somewhere and leave the belt as collateral?” I shook my head:
“No, you weirdo, it’s a top promotion in Mexico. He beat a Divisional Champion down there to claim it.” I could see him thinking. He didn’t follow up, so I will: Why wasn’t the strap on the line? Does the cross-promotion with AAA increase viewership? Second Generation Ghost’s opposition this night was Braxton Sutter. A bald, non-descript competitor who hadn’t shown up on TV in a while. He was exhibiting heel tactics in trying to prevail. This switch didn’t work. Mexico’s Second Ghost won the match clean. Afterward, Sutter runs his ex and Impact Management down simultaneously. AI Hercules pontificates: “Not Allie, but I’ve heard millions criticize Impact Management?” I couldn’t disagree with him.
Sutter’s whining stops when music hits and a big man named Brian Cage comes out and destroys him with The Drill Claw. “Bald Dude’s brain is officially scrambled!” Braxton would come out later and prove PC Little Dragon correct. Matt Sydal must be on some long acid trip. He cuts a promo about his third eye being open.
AI Hercules asks: “Is he listening to some cover band from back when you graduated high school?”
I laughed: “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while.” Ishimori interrupts Sydal’s ramblings by presenting him with a Japanese scroll. The Impact Grand Champion is above reading it himself. Ms. Mitchell, the interviewer is asked to read it. Written in English is a challenge for The Gold, though Ms. Mitchell won’t read the last sentence. Ishimori finishes it for her. Staring at Sydal, “You’re a douche bag!”
Simultaneously, the robots ask: “Isn’t the guy who used to run this promotion a douche bag?”
I nod in agreement: “He’s been one for decades.”
Time to put my companions on mute and rip Impact apart. Creative can’t come up with a better name or gimmick than Kongo Kong? If he is Samoan, those working with him should be more respectful of the art form’s history on those islands. Now on to his mouthpiece. Is THIS the mysterious Jimmy Jacobs? The same guy who got fired from The East Coast Circus for taking a picture with reheated indie clowns? YAWN! Brother, I know it’s a gimmick and I don’t care. You look like a bad combination of The Disco Inferno and Vince Russo. I saw it 20 years ago, It was lame then, sleep inducing now.
Speaking of things I saw two decades ago: Joseph Park may be the stupidest gimmick/alter-ego in the history of the modern art form. Makes Jinder Mahal look like Bret Hart. After a squash match with a freaked-out Park, The Maybe Samoan started choking him out while Little Vinnie asked Abyss to come out. Park had said no many times previously and followed suit under duress. PS: Can someone tell me why WWE hasn’t sued Impact or TNA over the Abyss character?
I will say this once: Mr. Tequila should be black balled from the art form. He was pretending to be tough with Senor Mundo and A-Double. I will cover that one-on-one match next week. Now, what are two X Division athletes doing messing with Konnan and LAX? AND: Where the Hell did their potential Knockout go? Anyway, dudes, Konnan’s been in the game a long time. Unless you guys have better backup, you’re done.
Time to make The Hivelings happy, and sad! Ms. Rosemary comes out to spread her special joy among her Impact Zone followers. Then “Thursday’s” sacrifice comes out. The Huntress has potential, but this time she did the job quickly. Afterward, The Demon Assassin takes the mic to remind The Knockouts and Hivelings that she is “The Alpha B****!” Surprise…Music hits of The Norsewoman claiming to be Lucha Royalty. Johnny’s better half cuts an in-ring promo mocking Rosemary. They both back out of the ring, staring holes into each other, The Painted Demon turns her back, which allows Taya to begin her assault. The climax saw The Queen of The Hive take a Road to Valhalla on the ramp.
Now I can reboot my friends for the home stretch. PC Little Dragon asks: “What the Hell is a Commitment Ceremony to a strap and why is Laurel Van Ness insane?” I couldn’t answer him on either account. Chelsea Green; the woman behind the character is gorgeous and trained in the art form. Yet, she has been a Bridezilla Zombie in this promotion for years? She must be the ultimate pro and enjoy her work. Any wedding angle in wrestling doesn’t end well. This was no different.
Bald Braxton comes out AGAIN! AI Hercules busts out laughing. “Mr. Scrambled Brains…” Sutter came out to cement a heel turn and ask The Zombie Bride to include him in this new “family.” Van Ness flips out and kicks him out of the ring. She asks for Allie to come out and object. Shock of shocks, Allie is impersonating a cameraman behind her, Van Ness turns around, gets jumped, and runs off.
Last match of the night saw Eddie Edwards take on Sami Callihan. Ohio Versus Everything is running with Callihan. The Haunted House Duo is kicked out of ringside. The match itself started with dueling no sell dives to the floor. It was a very physical encounter. Edwards got the win, but Callihan assaulted him after. Once again, the digital copy froze and jumped as Bobby Lashley; no longer at Impact was jumped by OVE while trying to assist Edwards. My robot friends and I have had a blast laughing at this limited engagement run by a scattered production company and a scattered promotion
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Cheap Shots
MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.
The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.
Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.
Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!
In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.
“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.
Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!
Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”
For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!
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Attitude Of Aggression Podcast: The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history) Unidentified History (Ufology) & Game Gone Wrong (Game of Thrones Universe)
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Ronda Rousey dominates headlines on the Road To WrestlMania, making her the perfect example for Rob to use for Wrestling Newz!
This is a continuation of what I started on last week in regards to wrestling media. You might want to, in fact you should, go check that out first. But instead of just hitting the media at large it’s time to drill down a bit and see how some of this stuff takes shape. These stories don’t get clicked on and believed by so many people just out of whole cloth, they take weeks and months and sometimes years of narratives being laid down first in order to make the premise believable in the first place.
Remember, the three rules for publishing NEWZ stories:
- It’s plausible (translation: circumstances exist that make it possible, and it confirms an existing opinion)
- Can you walk it back easy if it ends up false (‘plans changed’)
- Will people click on it? (if #1 is a yes, and the names are big enough then this is a yes, too)
A quick example that I mentioned previously was the ‘Lacey Evans getting a top level push after Ronda Rousey leaves’ story. The story itself ended up just being Meltzer giving his opinion and not even leaked info from a source, but it relied on a long standing narrative about the WWE creative team, particularly Vince’s preferences. Lacey is blond, and it’s been a long held belief that Vince loves his blond women so there you go (that’s not false, but there are some layers and nuances to it that we never get into). Also, the way Lacey portrays her character (super conservative and a throwback to the Mad Men era) on social media irritates a lot of so called smart fans, which supposedly is something Vince loves doing. That’s it. Seriously, the plausibility of the story all lies in Lacey being blond, evoking thoughts of every blond woman Vince has pushed from Trish Stratus to Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss, and because she pisses off a section of Wrestling Twitter so Vince might do it just to get to us. There is literally no other there there.
Now not all NEWZ stories end up false but even when they’re true the intent wasn’t to inform you, it was to get you to click on the link and share it (Hate shares count as much for the click numbers as love shares, btw. Don’t help people whose work you hate by sharing it.)
Which brings us to the real subject of this piece: Ronda Rousey’s speculated departure from WWE after WrestleMania. It has become almost gospel truth that Ronda is gone after the biggest show of the year, maybe for good, because she wants to start a family (and now also because she can’t hack it in the world of wrestling). Meltzer has weighed in and there are multiple pieces that simply copied and pasted or transcribed his words along with dubious headlines. Now before you say ‘yeah, she is leaving’ ask yourself where you got the idea from. Was it from someone stating it as fact, just giving their opinion, or one of those ‘WWE is preparing for the possibility that Ronda might leave’ stories? And how did so many of us end up thinking so quickly and strongly that come the Monday after WrestleMania 35 she’s outta here? The story was built on a few blocks and because a big house of confirmation bias. Here they are:
Ronda Rousey is an outsider who doesn’t really want to be here anyway
This essentially comes from Ronda being an MMA legend, which invokes bad thoughts of Brock Lesnar his big paycheck/small schedule agreement. That’s it. Ronda left MMA after losing and didn’t do much afterwards, and she’s made a ton of money already, so this clearly has to just be a big score…..right? She didn’t toil in the indies, didn’t even do a stint in NXT, and since she wasn’t willing to pay her dues (that sound you just heard was me throwing up) it’s obvious that she doesn’t really care for it………sure, buddy, whatever you think. Nevermind all the evidence we’ve seen to the contrary.
Rebecca Quin, I don’t care what the script says, I’m beating the living shit out of you the next time I see you.
— Ronda Rousey (@RondaRousey) February 28, 2019
Ronda Rousey can’t handle the road
A video clip surfaced a few months back of Ronda lamenting life on the road in the WWE. Now it probably isn’t much different from what many newbies and veterans of the business have said to their families but hey, let’s take this out for a ride because it supports point number one.
Ronda Rousey is losing at WrestleMania
We got no proof of this but we do know that the original plan was for her to face Charlotte one on one (with Charlotte probably winning), we know that Becky Lynch has become the hot act over the last six months, and we know that Ronda hasn’t lost yet so WrestleMania seems like the right time to do it. That’s it. I explained my rationale for each woman winning that match here, and in my opinion there’s plenty of logic for Ronda winning. But so far a lot of us have assumed she isn’t because she just has to lose here, right? Which leads to the next brick:
Ronda Rousey can’t take losing
She didn’t handle losing well in MMA, so she obviously isn’t going to like losing in WWE and she’ll want to take her ball and go home. There is no evidence to back this up but it sure sounds good.
Ronda Rousey is freaking out because of the crowd noise and the Tweeting from Becky
Ronda isn’t great at promos, the crowds are booing her more now because she’s facing Becky, and she’s fired off some far out responses to Becky’s twitter jabs that suggest maybe the ribbing is getting to her. So she must clearly be having some kind of emotional meltdown that is souring her on the world of pro wrestling. Again we have don’t have any confirmed facts as to her true emotional state (for all we know it’s a work that’s gone a little off the rails) but it sure feels good to type that she just can’t handle the banter.
Now we have the proverbial feedback loop. We think Ronda doesn’t love the business, she hates the road, she wants to start a family, we just know she’s losing at WrestleMania, she doesn’t handle losing well at all, and now she can’t handle the ribbing. Each one of these things feeds into the others, and if you were a Ronda skeptic from day one or you just don’t like her for other reasons then each one of these things is very easy to believe individually, as it’s consequently very easy to put them together into one big ball of what is sure to happen. Remember always that the way NEWZ works, be it in wrestling media, other forms of entertainment, and even politics is that they bait you with things you want to be true based on what you already have come to believe. If you believe wrestler X is a jerk then everything that backs it up is believable no matter how flimsy the evidence. Here we have a bunch of ‘truths’ based on little real information that feed into what a lot of people already thought, and now we have one big ‘truth’ that we just know to be true.
Of course if Ronda wins at WrestleMania, loses some time later, and sticks around for the rest of her contract then the vaunted wrestling media can just give us the tried and true explanation for everything that doesn’t pan out the way they led us to think it would:
Plans changed.
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Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!
MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)
TUESDAY - 4 Corners Podcast (sports)
WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)
THURSDAY - Nefarious Means
FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)
SATURDAY - The Mindless Wrestling Podcast
SUNDAY - 30 Mindless Minutes
CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS
Attitude Of Aggression Podcast: The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history) Unidentified History (Ufology) & Game Gone Wrong (Game of Thrones Universe)
Chairshot Radio Network Your home for the hardest hitting podcasts... Sports, Entertainment and Sports Entertainment!
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Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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